I have always been an emotional person. Not necessarily in a negative sense, but in the sense that, because of my feelings, I often wondered if a person could ever feel too much. Everything hurt too much. Everything meant too much. Is this how normal people felt? It certainly never seemed that way.

Living in a home with a family quite the opposite of me, I was constantly critiqued for my demeanor. They would tell me not to wear my heart on my sleeve; to cheer up and quit crying as if I’d someday run out of tears. As their words of advice and care grew in volume, so grew an immense sense of guilt. 

To this day, guilt over my feelings is the biggest challenge facing me. While I believe my opinions and thoughts are valid, I can’t seem to disregard the strongest feeling of them all — that I should feel guilty for feeling anything. As a result, I constantly believe myself to be annoying, selfish, and in people’s way. Every sentence begins with “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” and every text ends with “But if you’re busy, don’t worry about me.” It hurts my relationships with the people I currently care for and the ones I wish I could be friends with simply because I don’t want to bother them with my feelings. In fact, I would probably say this guilt is the number one reason why I have very few close friends. 

It’s a huge undertaking to battle against nearly 23 years of shame, but it’s something I’m working on and hope to one day fully rid myself of. I never want to feel guilty for being myself again.